Impact of Children

I have an amazing friendship that has spanned almost 15 years and survived us living in different hemispheres for most of that time. Despite the challenges of distance as well as the changes that come with study, travel and different partners we have never had the need for a cross word and our relationship has always been smooth sailing.
We recently spent three weeks together crammed into her tiny Brisbane home, four adults and six children under seven, in the torrential rain that preceded the floods ... and the smooth waters became a little more choppy.
We coped with the rain, and the crowded conditions, but the impact upon our friendship was from our children. New routines, new beds (or lack thereof), other people’s toys and new personalities in the mix brought out the best and worst in our children. Suddenly, everyone wanted the Ben 10 cup, to press the button on the lift.
We tried distracting, cajoling and encouraging them to negotiate with each other, and the old favourite – bribery.
The real challenge for us was how we reacted and communicated with each other around our children’s behaviour. We were both mortified when our children’s behaviour impacted upon our friend’s children. We were also both sensitive to how we were behaving as parents as well as how our precious children were being seen (he’s not always like this, you know).
It was only on the last day, away from the rain, that we were able to talk about what had been happening. Not only had we missed our usual uninterrupted time to talk with each other, we were trying to manage our own emotions as well as helping our children manage theirs. We were fearful of being judged as a bad parent, of our children being judged as bad children.
Most parents feel vulnerable about their parenting and are their own worst critic. It can be difficult to have conversations with friends about their and our children as we don’t want to be seen as criticising and fear how it will impact upon our friendship. Sometimes, though, the conversation needs to be had. Other times it is easier just to catch up without the kids.

Tarnya Davis is a clinical psychologist and principal of NewPsych Psychologists. Ph: (02) 4926 5005. www.newpsych.com.au